A lot of men fall short in the dating and relationships sphere. I did too at one point. I thought it did not matter what I did as long as I was providing for my family then all was well.
Protect and Serve
We are taught this at a young age. Protect, provide, honour, serve; but along with that we are inspired by tough male role models who show no fear, that laugh in the face of danger, and would destroy almost anything in their paths.
The type of male role models I grew up with were fierce. Think Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Mr Myagi; the type that would snap steel just by giving it the wrong look.
My youth was filled with flying karate kicks, pretending I was Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat, and laughing in the face of anything that was slightly scary.
The risks we take as youngsters is a blessing and a curse. I remember doing things that would make me run a mile now. There was one tree swing we used to play on and one false move and it would be a hospital trip or worse, death, and yet we just got on with it as if it was a regular day in the life.
Growing up as a young boy in the eighties was filled with a sort of fearlessness that you do not see as often in the modern world.
Yet our parents were tough; our dads even more brutal. If it was not hard as nails then it was not worth having. A lot of kids my age would remember getting the slipper, or the cane, or the wooden spoon — that was fairly normal for us.
The softer side of life
And yet we were never taught about the softer side of life, or at least I was not. Never once did my dad sit me down and tell me that one day I was going to fall in love with a woman and all the hardness of life is going to gracefully fall away. Instead of beating my friends over the head with a cane I am going to want to sing soft songs to her on a moonlight walk. I am going to want to write poetry of love, and grace and feelings that would make my friends squirm with embarrassment.
You sort of learn this as you go along as a man. Men do not really talk about it, to themselves, or to each other.
I am sure all my friends have sat up with their significant other and talked to the early hours of the morning about love, life and kids; that if we did it with each other we would want to punch each other in the face.
Women change you, on so many levels. The bring a soft warm glow to your life that was never there before; they harden the roaring blaze of the Solar King into a soft burning ball.
That is why adult men and younger men are so much more different. The adult men have experienced enough softness in their lives through the women they have committed to or the kids they have had through them that they no longer want to thrust their pelvis into the air like a rabid bulldog in mating season.
No-one ever sits us down and explains this to us, we have to learn it, through trial by fire. When the first soft glow of a woman comes along and dazzles you; not by her fierceness, but by her softness, it knocks you off guard, stops you from beating your chest — you are drawn to the warmth, the tenderness, the delicacy of it.
The soft glow of a woman
All you have known as a man throughout your entire life is the harshness and brutality of life, and the fierce fire of yourself and your friends, and here is this woman, soft, naked in presence, delicate, and all you wish to do is protect her rather than ravage it with your fire.
It is quite unsettling as a man when all you have known is the harshness of reality and there is a potential woman on the horizon. It swipes you off guard, you do not know what to do, it sends you into a daze, a panic, a trial by fire, a dizz.
You try and talk to her yet your voice goes all squeaky, your body rag-dolled, your mind–blank; her powerful feminine charm envelopes every part of your essence and you absolutely have no idea what to do with this new found feeling.
How can something so delicate and tender have so much power over you. You are used to smashing things with your fist, bending reality with your biceps, and forcing people into your will with your towering presence — and here is this gentle thing that can crush you into a mere pulp with her presence.
Women are far more powerful than the world gives them credit for. In a way I deeply admire this aesthetic; how a gentle female can bend legions of men at her will.
But us men, we always get lost in duty. We often forget the balances that attracted us in the first place after several years in relationship — as I have done so in the past.
Lost in duty
I am no stranger to putting my foot in my mouth, constantly, always, to my wife’s annoyance.
We tend to think that if we just be strong, pat her on the head and provide as any good man should then everything would be fine.
Out of most relationships I have talked to in the past with friends, acquaintances and people I know it has always been down to the imbalance of providership and care.
We often forget that she has emotional needs too. It is not good enough just that we bring in the money and secure her financially but we must care for her too; emotionally and spiritually.
By now I have probably lost most men reading this and that would be telling–77% of marriage breakups are down to lack of communication. I will say one of the hardest hurdle for me to overcome in my Marriage was learning how she communicates, and to not minimise everything she tells me.
One of my biggest failings as a young man was thinking that her worries were not really that important. Well, they were, but they just did not seem really worrisome.
Her worries are important
She was worried about household stuff, cleaning, duties around the home, and things that do not matter a huge deal in a man’s world where we have to protect and provide; we keep her safe, keep her living quarters guarded, and make sure she is incubated from any danger whatsoever — most of her worries seemed…
… irrelevant at the time.
So I did as any good husband would do and patted her on the head and said there there, look at you so cute with all your little worries.
And yet here was where I was sorely mistaken. Her worries were actually very important. Not only to her but the very bedrock and foundations of our marriage. If she is not happy then things start to go wrong. She taps out, stops caring for me like she should, she gets angry, becomes resentful that I am not listening to her and a whole mixture of messy hurtful emotions.
And this has lasting effect you know?
One fateful night
It was only by happenstance that I decided to sit with her one fateful night and listen to her without judgement as I had learned to do in my real job and hear what she had to say and it all came out like a boiling puss filled mess with lots of tears and lots of sobbing.
And that destroyed me.
That’s when I realised– fuck, I have gone really really wrong here. And that’s when I decided to take what she said to me really really seriously — it matters not if it seems insignificant, it only matters that it is important to her and it needs fixed.
That was ten years ago I figured that one out, about three to four years into my marriage and from then it has been easier than most.
But if you listen to her and take what she says to you seriously without patting her on the head and sending her on her way like a good little girl then your relationship has a chance to blossom.
Because she will say things to you that hurt; she still says things to me that hurt, but I let her, and I fix it, and we do not have that problem again.
And through this combination of love, trust, truth and reverence of each other we have grown in ways together most do not.
Respect your wife.
Always.
And she will be yours forever.
